Oliver is…

He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man

…not sure she’s the one

So, on the recommendation of a friend, I signed up for a dating site recently. It’s weird. It’s like having a catalogue of women to carefully choose from before getting rejected by them anyway. Then some girl who didn’t appeal at all will show an interest in me. It’s just like real life. Except the bit about some girl showing an interest in me.

Anyway, one of these girls gave me her number and I was so excited by a bit of progress (online – phone – face to face) that I sent her a message. These are her replies. I’ve left out my messages because (a) they’re my private messages, yeah? (b) I don’t want to incriminate myself as the hapless person I am and (c) it’s fun trying to guess half of a conversation.

As much as it pains me, I’m going to try to keep her grammar and spelling in tact.

Hey who’s this?

Not too bad a start, but bear in mind that she gave me her number.

Oh yeh!sory just bein daft.how r u?

About here I realised this wasn’t going to go well, but knowing some of my friends text like idiots as well I was willing to proceed.

Yeh im good.my weekend has been quite busy.was out friday and sunday.how bout u?

Two of the things I wrote in my ‘You should message me if’ section are “…your life doesn’t revolve around blue alcopops and vomiting on the street” and “YATTTTOAAAHGTF (you agree that the texting trend of abbreviating and acronymising has gone too far)” it seems odd – doubly odd if I showed you her profile – that she wanted to get in touch. About here I decided I’d had just about enough of her horrible, horrible texts so suggested a cup of tea. My idea was that we’d get to know each other better this way.

Id want to kno more about u first befor i decided

Fair enough, I understand some people are still a bit weirded out by meeting people offline. I am a little, but I prefer it to other forms of communication.

Haha wel cud u send me a pic?

I have three on my profile. She knows what I look like. I send her one from about a month ago (scared that my current beard might scare her) when I was smoking a cigar to celebrate the Ashes win.

Likin the cigar lol.how old r u?

Again, in the profile. I repeat myself.

Cool im 23 in december.im a nursery nurse.its quite a nice job.wot do u do?

Sometimes my fingers automatically spell words correctly and I have to delete a letter to properly show her messages.

Lol fair enough.i dont hav any pets but my mum has 3 cats and a dog.i actualy love cats lol.how bout u?

She laughs a lot. One of my friends used to say ‘lol’ at the end of his sentences (when he was speaking with his mouth) just to mock people who said  things like ‘i actualy love cats lol’. I miss him.

Aw thats harsh.u shud get a wee hamster.nobody wud kno lol

Indeed. No questions, no obligation to reply. I don’t reply. I think that’s the end of it. I kind of hope it is. But, no. She sent another text tonight. I’m sure I wasn’t fascinating in our last conversation and now she’s just asking generic questions about my day. The sort of questions people ask when they don’t know what else to ask, but because I don’t know her well I can’t really go into much detail about anything, especially in a text.

It’s happening right now. It’s too early to pretend to go to bed. Hmm.

I think the search will continue.

Filed under: life

3 Responses

  1. Jemma says:

    Maybe she wasn’t drinking blue alcopops and vomiting, maybe she was just out in the pub with her friends. We used to go out a lot, Oliver. You and me and the gang. Did we drink blue alcopops and vomit? Did we?

    Also there was once this boy who I was infatuated (well he was 25 and I was 20) and I was flirting with him via text one night and he said ‘woz’ instead of ‘was’. That put me right off him. I was like, “Stuart there’s the same amount of letters in was, why can’t you spell it correctly?” I even typed it in in predictive text and found that it wasn’t there whilst ‘was’ was so it took him even more effort to spell like a retard.

    What is the world coming to, Oliver?

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