Oliver is…

He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man

…done with fast food

Americans are known for being best at a number of things: being obese, destroying other countries and thinking they’re the best at a number of things.

american t-shirt sizes

 

Their contribution to world cuisine with a number of fast food or chain outlets helps with all three of these and if you think it’s bad that nearly everywhere you go has a McDonald’s or KFC, things get even worse in America where there are more and more and more chains that are hopefully not ready to explode across the world.

 

Here’s a little table I made using basic Wikipedia research because that’s as much effort as I think it’s worth. The UN officially recognises 193 countries.

 

Chain Countries infiltrated
McDonald’s 121
KFC 120
Subway 102
Pizza Hut 94
Burger King 86
Domino’s 70
Starbucks 62

 

When you consider that most of these ‘restaurants’ will have the majority of their locations in America (with at least one of everything in Honolulu), that the serving sizes there are bigger than in other countries and that most of them will offer unlimited refills on your obesity-inducing sodas, it’s not hard to see why some idiots get so fat.

big fat americans

 

Having said that, I was slightly disappointed by the number of Big Fat Americans (shortened to BFA so we could speak about them and point them out in close proximity) going around, as most people were just normal sized. However, when people do get fat they don’t mess around, something the definitely best at. For a while I tried taking photos of BFAs on the street, but I felt a bit weird doing it so stopped.

 

fatamericanontheleft

 

So what else do you have to ‘look forward’ to spreading across the rest of the world?

that won't help

 

For burgers, you already know about the cheap and nasty stuff McDonald’s and Burger King serve up. Wendy’s and Dairy Queen seem to be similar, but probably worse. Carl’s Jr is all over the place but I didn’t try it, Five Guys looked pretty good and In-N-out Burger seems really hyped but looking in the window it just looked the same as all the rest (although apparently they actually pay employees minimum wage, so well done them). White Castle, as my travelling associate described it, serves “definitely the worst burger I’ve had in my life”. Fatburger speaks for itself.

 

Despite KFC being pretty much the only major chicken place to spread like a virus across the world, there seemed to be dozens of competitors in each city but few that had even an America-wide spread. I’m told Popeyes is one of the better ones. KFC, on the other hand, seemed less innocuous over there — presumably it’s easier to make money where there’s no one else deep frying battery farmed chooks.

 

America also has lots of Mexican food and despite what you might think about a country that ruins everything else, it was actually quite good in some places. I’ve never been to Mexico to compare, but alongside other countries trying to imitate it this was the best I’ve had. Strangely, the north-east seemed just as good, if not better, than places in California. Chipotle was by far my favourite quick food place in the states, although there was somewhere called Burrito Beach or something that was pretty good too. Taco Bell is probably the worst food I’ve ever tasted, although I did like the fact that they trusted their clientele so much they put their servers behind bulletproof glass.

 

Americans basically love foods that make them fat, so it wasn’t a surprise to see things like Dunkin’ Donuts (average) and Krispy Kreme (terrible) everywhere. Wetzel’s Pretzels and some other pretzel place were pretty good. I didn’t try the hot dog stands but I’m told they weren’t amazing.

 

Most pizza places seemed the same as you’d see in the UK or somewhere — Pizza Hut, Domino’s and Papa John’s. Thankfully I knew to avoid those already.

 

Subway had less competition from Quiznos than I expected, with the bland Jimmy John’s seeming more popular.

 

I didn’t try a Hooters, and Denny’s served pretty average food around the clock. The pancakes were tasty and pretty cheap, whereas everything else on the menu was pretty expensive.

 

 

Moral of the story? If the cheapest option in your country is to buy terrible food that will surely make you fat, you’ll get some of the fattest people in the world.

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5 Responses

  1. Anonymous says:

    y u cum across the border fuckin limy a$4hole ? fuck off back ther n ate ur queens pusy coz u no all ates american food in th world why ? cos its pur american food njone of shit foran crapand got teeth like
    comin here stayin shit about us you wudnt dare mu7thafucker just coz no1 ates ur sh1t moose or whatever
    y we need to be like skeletons we not dyin ?bet u didnt even come to us those photos are from ur latest family runyen. lik father like soin rite. u dsay shit abhout america you better prepare for war but o rite u alayws need us to fite ur wars for u gays
    ill give you quality meat prime american beef wann eat my dick fagert????????????????

  2. Dave says:

    Like 7-Eleven, many of these American staples I’ve only seen ‘abroad’ (as in, never in the UK).

    – Dunkin Donuts is common in Asia (especially Philippines).
    – I ate at Wendys in Singapore and it reminded me of Wimpy.
    – I ate Taco Bell in South Korea about three times because it was a novelty, but I can see how it would become rubbish through repetition.
    – I’ve had Popeyes somewhere.
    – I’ve never heard of Quiznos, it sounds more like the nom de plume of a Scandinavian black metal solo artist than a fast food chain.

    I wasn’t surprised at McDonalds being the most exported, but it seems to vary by country. Malaysia is mad for KFC.

    My local ‘we’re looking after the neice’/’it’s 9pm and I can’t be arsed to cook pasta’ fast food joint is the Philippines’ own Jollibee. It’s pretty bad and the ‘large’ fries are barely adequate as a serving even by non-American sizes.

    • Oliver says:

      I saw more 7-Elevens in Thailand than anywhere else, but I can’t remember what other type of corner shop they had in America. There was a Quiznos in Edinburgh, on Nicholson/Clerk Street, and it was quite nice. If you’re back in Edinburgh maybe you can go there, can’t think of much you’d rather spend your time doing.

  3. Zach says:

    I don’t think you should include Subway in the obesity category. The rest of them can go out of business as far as I’m concerned.

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