Oliver is…

He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man

…not sure that Hitler was Jesus reincarnated

I know, I know. Sometimes it seems like I say things that are the opposite of public opinion just to be controversial but hear me out.

Moving back into dorms was a strange experience. On one of my first nights there were two other people in my room, Tim and Kim. Tim was Norwegian, probably in his 20s, while Kim was a 40-something Korean in a Brazil football top.

Kim seemed shy and quiet, introducing himself politely to us and shaking hands with us before going to his bunk and keeping to himself. Tim and I were on the bunks above him and had a general dorm chat about travel plans which moved on to meditation retreats. I was talking about my experience, about how people who hadn’t spoken to each other for 10 days could still feel like friends at the end of it (partly because we were allowed eye contact while the retreat Tim was considering was a stricter and banned this). Kim stood up and apologetically interrupted. He put his hand up like a kid at school and wanted to join in our conversation at this point, telling us that at my retreat we were connected and were a family. Family is very important he says.

For the next two hours, the shy and quiet Kim wouldn’t shut up. Or rather, God wouldn’t.

From the virtues of family he went into the evils of capitalism: the 1% was ruining the world, they’re evil and they need to be eliminated. We — the good 99% — should stop working for money and we should go to a one-world state with a communist regime. I tried to explain how badly communism had gone in places like Russia and Manor Farm, but he said we knew better now. We could do it right.

He then told us that he was a white man, despite looking very much like he was in fact Asian. What we hadn’t realised was that he was a white man who had been reincarnated as a Korean. He’d been to see a shaman so he knew this was fact.

He went back to his theme of eliminating world problems and started to use Hitler as an example of the ways we should do things (that’s probably not something you should say, we told him). After all, he said, the Germans had a problem with Jews (not really), they were all upset because of them (I think only one of them was) and we only think Hitler was wrong because he lost (again, not sure about that). He then told us he knew that because he was Korean Hitler (you really shouldn’t say that).

It then spiralled further and further out of control. Not only was this man the reincarnated Hitler, he was also the reincarnated Jesus. Because those two people were clearly similar.

Jesus/Hitler was now back as an Asian man because Asians needed a messiah to show them the path (to communism?).

I am, of course, an angel, but I forgot how to be in this world of mixed evil and good. Probably you are too. In this world that came to be that way because God and Satan had sex and that’s what happened.

My role in all of this was simple. Go back to England and speak to the queen (“pose as a reporter if possible”). Get her to speak to the pope. Tell them both that Jesus is back and he’s Korean. Meet Obama and tell him too, get him to pass it on to the Korean leader so everyone there will believe this man (who is Korean in the first place so Asians will believe him…). Obama also has to meet with the leaders of Al Qaeda and tell them Allah is here. And if they don’t believe him? Kim will simply send them all to hell. Surely they’re going there anyway, as only whites are allowed in Heaven. A shame for all those Koreans that Kim’s here to save.

“Go home; tell them Hitler is Korean, Jesus is Korean.”

On and on it went and while it was amusing at first, the repetition soon made it dull. We both tried different ways to get Kim to end his monologue but both failed. After about my third time of telling him how tired I was (true) and how early I had to be up (a lie) he let us switch off the light and go to bed. The only other break I got was when Tim tried to escape for a cigarette but Kim followed him, allowing me to grab a pen and paper for notes while the ‘conversation’ continued outside.

“Flying doesn’t prove someone’s superman.”

The darkness and the silence were bliss. For around five minutes. Then Kim got up, turned on the light and told me that God was angry because Kim hadn’t finished delivering his message. Interestingly, Kim kept motioning towards the air conditioning unit every time he mentioned God. Was He in there?

“Don’t trust anyone who orders me to give sister/daughter to be fucked.”

We find out now that Kim was God but now he’s merely a messenger but it’s important that we don’t distract him — say, by trying to go to sleep — because his words are straight from God, of course.

“God is one million times powerful… like the sun”

While Kim was reincarnated as God (or was it Hitler?) Satan was reincarnated as another Korean man — what luck with just a population of 74 million. The worst bit about all of this is that Dr Satan says that Adolf God is actually just a crazy man, and none of this is true. The blasphemy! Luckily there was a blogspot that could back up everything Kim was saying, unluckily the title/URL he gave us doesn’t — and didn’t — work.

“If you don’t believe me, then that’s because you think you’re equal to God.”

There is another person who’s equal to God — Rachel Welder. She’s white, she’s Australian and I think she has something to do with Sydney uni. She can translate that blog that doesn’t exist for me, and then I can take that to the American military leaders. They’ll understand why when they see the message. Again, I can’t find her on Google. Some sort of conspiracy, I’m sure.

Of course, while I’m to tell everyone because I’m now the secretary of this movement — this is my attempt, sadly my requests for royal meetings have fallen short — I’m also to keep it secret, so shh! If Al Qaeda finds out — even though they’re on the list of people to be told — they’ll try to kill Kim, and then the second coming will be over and we’ll still not be communist and we’ll still have more than one race on Earth. What a mess.

While I got the gig as secretary, Tim got something better: he should become the next Hitler. His first move is to go to Germany and tell them all Hitler is God. I haven’t seen anything in the news about this so presumably he’s having as hard a time as I am. 😦

Travelling as a couple I missed out on meeting someone quite this mental (aww…) for a long time, but it definitely made me look forward to a month of dorm life.


Filed under: asia, life, , , , ,

One Response

  1. Dave says:


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